Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
