theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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