everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
