i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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