Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
