It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
