I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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