I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
