I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
