I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
