the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
