They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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