I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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