my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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