I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
