he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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