I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
