It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
