capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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