the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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