Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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