I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
