He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
