after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
