this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
