Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
