So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You made out with two different species that night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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