If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
