ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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