can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
