I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
