Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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