My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Pooping to opera.
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