Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
