I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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