the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
