She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
