Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
