Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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