1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
