Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
