i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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