Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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