I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
