ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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