she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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