I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
