So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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