I met the friendliest cop last night
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
