god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
