we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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