so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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