babies were throwing up all over the place
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
