Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Of course I have a pirate flag
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
