They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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