You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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