I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
