she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
