you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
