4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
