She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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