One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Found your dick twin last night
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
