So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
