you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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