The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
