You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
